Monday, February 14, 2011

Is he or Is he not?

    I have been finding myself often wondering why I got married in the first place. I have to actually sit down and think about the beginning of our relationship and what made it so perfect and fresh. That's when I remember, it was the attention I received from him. It was the little sarcastic banter that he and I always did on a playful basis. It was the warmth of his body as he held me tight late at night while we fell asleep comfortably in each other's arms. 
    Now 7 years later, 5 of them being married, I wonder now why is it that he doesn't look me in the eyes anymore. Why does he not make it a point to say "I love you" or why does he chose to sit on the other couch of ours and not by me on the same couch? We've been hitting some low moments lately but even through trying to fix them he makes for a confusing time. One moment he seems attentive and concerned the next he's cold and has a different demeanor. I wonder what could have possibly happened in our relationship for it to come down this dark, dreary road with a path to a dead end. It's heart wrenching when the one you love won't open up. Especially if there is a huge need for that to happen rather it's one sided or both of us need to open up more. But I think it's the tentative details that make a huge difference. Hopefully with treating the future very delicately and satisfyingly feeling each sensation as I can possibly stand, this will start a new beginning with us and perhaps I can feel lighter in the sense that perhaps one day things will work out for the best. Maybe then I will find out if he loves me or he doesn't.