Friday, November 6, 2009
Needless to say I haven't had time to write on here or write in general really. But I'm going to continue to write when I do have the time. I have submitted some work this past fall and I will continue to do so until I finally get a book published which is my ultimate dream. In the mean time I'm going to try and have fun and balance all of this out and hopefully come out on top. I'm so determined for this to work.
Ultimately I have God and my family that has been great in supporting me through all this even if they have thought it's crazy much on my plate! In family I mean my husband and his family because I have yet to tell my folks or extended family. If you knew where I am coming from with that issue then you wouldn't blame me either. I plan on breaking the news to them when I finish Fire Fighter One classes if not then sooner from a medical call that they see me on.
Been busy with Halloween recently, took the girls to a church party and a little bit of trick-or-treating. They had fun. Paige was Minnie Mouse and Madison was a Ladybug.
I'm going to go now trying to finish up potty training my oldest daughter.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
The Other Heart- Which I'm sure does not come from this same vital organ I need to keep myself alive- is the one you can't see. Not even I can see it. God possibly can see it I'm sure. I do know that I can FEEL it. Without a doubt in my mind. I've felt on and off a few times before in my life. But NEVER quite as momentous as it has the past two years and specifically as each day passes on.
Here is an example or two:
I'm brushing my teeth in the bathroom. Just had gotten out of the shower I can hear my husband tell my oldest daughter it's time for 'night-night'. I hear her say "ma-ma nigh-nigh" with a smooching sound at the end. It lets me know she's coming to me for a kiss before she goes to bed. I hurry in my excitment to get it right, so I finish brushing my teeth. By the time she comes around the corner pulling her pillow behind her I'm already kneeling down on both knees to catch a hug from her and a petite kiss on the cheek. It's not sloppy it's more like a fairy kiss. I squeeze her unto her liking but she still smiles at me before she turns and says "nigh-nigh" and follows her dad down the hall into her room. I see the end of her pillow lastly following behind. My heart sinks because I know those nights are limited. I stand up to continue to clean up behind myself in the bathroom. Throwing the dirty clothes into the hallway closet hamper and I can hear little footsteps coming back down the hallway. Once again I hurriedly shut the door and there she stands my little two year old wanting just one more kiss before she runs off again. It made me tear up, honestly I wanted to bawl right there. Will she be doing this a year from now? I know she DEFINITELY won't be doing it when she's 18 and ready to leave me. It's outrageously a sweet bitter moment. I want to get it right every time so that both she and I can savor those sweet moments.
This one is simple because my youngest is only six months old. She doesn't have much she can do as of yet only trying to crawl and making me laugh with her silly faces and noises. I can't help to feel the same way towards her when she's looking into my eyes and smiles every time she sees my face. Especially when she wakes up. Knowing that she's this happy now. I want to make sure she's always going to be happy. All through our little talks I give her while I feed her her bottle or such she looks at me straight in my eyes like she's listening . . . I'm really far fetching it there though! lol Yet I have the same amount of love for her as I do my oldest and I cannot waith for to come around the corner wanting to kiss me goodnight before SHE goes to bed too.
These darkest moments are the only times I shed the tears of pain and agony I hold on to without desire to let go. These darkest moments are when I feel the most human, the most vulnerable and the most honest-with myself. Because I do not shed tears where all can see in fear of my own failure from things I learned as young as the age of six. It is all I can stand but to do it alone without the comforts of anyone else's arms but Gods.
The things I've learned since the age of six? I was told "Never show your sadness to anyone. For YOU are the one to be the strong one for everyone else."
Monday, June 22, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Be∙tray (transitive verb)- be∙tray, be∙trayed, be∙traying, be∙trays
- Help enemy
To harm or be disloyal to a country or another person by helping an enemy or giving information that is confidential
- Surrender somebody or something treacherously
To deliver somebody or something to an enemy
•He betrayed his own brother to the secret police.
- Go against promise
To act in a way that is contrary to a promise made
- Reveal something
To show something, often unintentionally
I'd like to point out that I feel betrayed. Not by friends but by family. Why is it so hard to just be honest? If you can't trust your own family then who can you trust?
Saturday, February 14, 2009
He turned over to face her, “what do you mean?”
“I don’t know,” she paused to gather her thoughts. “Well if I told you then you would make fun of me.”
He sighed, “Just tell me what you mean.”
“Well, I’ve been thinking lately and I’m not who I use to be. You know, when we first met. I’ve changed.”
“Oh, shut up.”
“I’m not trying to be sappy or anything but I am not the same person,” she paused, “and I miss her. I miss that girl I once was.”
“It’ll be okay. Don’t stress over it or you’ll give yourself a migraine. You stress over so much.”
The only time Nancy and Bill had time to talk was at night, after they got the kids to bed. Rarely were they able to find a sitter to watch their four children so they could go out on a date. It was hard being that all four children were under the age of five. Even though Nancy was a stay-at-home mom. Bill worked fifty plus hours a week which made it hard for them to find time to see each other much less carry a conversation.
The following morning she got up and continued with the same routine she did every day. She fed their two month old Ava as soon as she woke up at six. Once she was able to get a free hand she got the kids breakfast ready so that when they did wake up she could easily place their food in front of them. Usually the twins Sara and Jon who were three would scurry out of their rooms first. Both running through the house squealing for mommy. It never was long after that Beth would walk around the corner into the kitchen rubbing her eyes whining to be picked up.
Her day would consist of running around trying to get the kids dressed and out of their pajamas. Breaking up fights and tending to Ava who constantly cried until she was held. On rare occasions she would have days that she took the kids on playdates with a few of her closest friends and their kids. But that was rare. Most days she would spend all her time thinking of the next thing she had to do. If she had any adult contact outside of her home it was through texting on her blackberry and most of that time was texting her husband.
-to be continued
Friday, February 6, 2009
There are so many ways to take that phrase: "Life is a Journey"
"Life is a Journey"- as you pick through your kids tiny, and difficult clothes to fold and find all the socks to match up-trying to find that missing piece that belongs to another toy-figure out how to calm a crying baby while coloring in a coloring book with your 19 month old-wonder why your tot won't keep her clothes on-why visitors show up at the times your house is a mess because the toy box has vomited all over the house plus your hair is standing up on your head from not being able to take a shower-Wondering why it never fails that when the kids are napping the dog barks and wakes them up-why people that should be good with kids aren't and make them fuss because they aggrevate them-why being a stay at home mom seems more challenging then being a working mom-why you can never picture your kids leaving home-the wonders of why a mother's heart cannot get enough of their own children-the thought that the love you have for your children could never be as big, strong, and thick as you could ever make it be only because it's such an overwhelming emotion-an emotion that makes you want to cry from the joy of having an offspring, someone like yourself, yet to cry from sorrow because of the day that is inevitable when your child will leave and take part in their own Journey.
Though last night was nice because my husband was working late and my oldest daughter was with her nanna (my mom) and all I had was the newborn who sleeps a lot so I had a lot of "alone" time to write and learn new things. Right now though I have a newborn crying on and off and a tot lying on the floor beside me with her pillow so I won't be on for long. I go ahead and venture off to say I'll be on here during the late hours of the night into the morning. -Okay be back to update later-
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Why can't people like Donald Trump, or Oprah (just for examples) why can't they use the money they have and instead of doing things with their money that help the rich or make them richer why can't they come up with something a little more smart to do with their money to help the US citizens (not African citizens or Mexican citizens-which I have nothing against) so that our country has a little hope for coming out of a recession in the next decade. If not for our country's benefit then for our "neighbors". It's something I would like to ignore is happening because it's to awful to think about. But it is real and something that won't go away even if I close my eyes and plug up my ears.