Saturday, July 18, 2009

After pulling over to the side of the road, I have finally settled down. Maybe my thinking was irrational-maybe not. All I did know, was that I was alone. Utterly and completely alone. I balled my fists up holding them against my face. Squishing my eyes deep into their sockets. Was I angry? Or plainly confused? Was all I did a lie? Was my entire LIFE a lie? Just once I thought I found "myself" that human inside the shell-I had only found the beginning of a very long journey-that would never end.

-M. Shiflett

Friday, July 17, 2009

"The Other Heart"

My heart beats. Just like any of yours. It beats faster when I'm excited, anxious, exercising and nervous. It beats slower when I'm calm, meditating and asleep. It pumps blood throughout my body providing the nourishment my vital organs need. I don't FEEL it unless it does beat fast.

The Other Heart- Which I'm sure does not come from this same vital organ I need to keep myself alive- is the one you can't see. Not even I can see it. God possibly can see it I'm sure. I do know that I can FEEL it. Without a doubt in my mind. I've felt on and off a few times before in my life. But NEVER quite as momentous as it has the past two years and specifically as each day passes on.

Here is an example or two:

I'm brushing my teeth in the bathroom. Just had gotten out of the shower I can hear my husband tell my oldest daughter it's time for 'night-night'. I hear her say "ma-ma nigh-nigh" with a smooching sound at the end. It lets me know she's coming to me for a kiss before she goes to bed. I hurry in my excitment to get it right, so I finish brushing my teeth. By the time she comes around the corner pulling her pillow behind her I'm already kneeling down on both knees to catch a hug from her and a petite kiss on the cheek. It's not sloppy it's more like a fairy kiss. I squeeze her unto her liking but she still smiles at me before she turns and says "nigh-nigh" and follows her dad down the hall into her room. I see the end of her pillow lastly following behind. My heart sinks because I know those nights are limited. I stand up to continue to clean up behind myself in the bathroom. Throwing the dirty clothes into the hallway closet hamper and I can hear little footsteps coming back down the hallway. Once again I hurriedly shut the door and there she stands my little two year old wanting just one more kiss before she runs off again. It made me tear up, honestly I wanted to bawl right there. Will she be doing this a year from now? I know she DEFINITELY won't be doing it when she's 18 and ready to leave me. It's outrageously a sweet bitter moment. I want to get it right every time so that both she and I can savor those sweet moments.

2 example:

This one is simple because my youngest is only six months old. She doesn't have much she can do as of yet only trying to crawl and making me laugh with her silly faces and noises. I can't help to feel the same way towards her when she's looking into my eyes and smiles every time she sees my face. Especially when she wakes up. Knowing that she's this happy now. I want to make sure she's always going to be happy. All through our little talks I give her while I feed her her bottle or such she looks at me straight in my eyes like she's listening . . . I'm really far fetching it there though! lol Yet I have the same amount of love for her as I do my oldest and I cannot waith for to come around the corner wanting to kiss me goodnight before SHE goes to bed too.

Michelle Shiflett

When I'm Alone . . .

When I'm alone at night, when my husband and two children have fallen into a safe sleep. It's the time I cry to myself, curled up in a dark corner of the house. A room far away to my choosing-Knees bent, with my head tucked down feeling my forehead heavily resting on them. My arms wrapped around my folded legs. My fingers intertwined clutching onto a balled and tattered piece of toilet paper that I hurriedly tore off the roll. Knowing later my better bet would have been to take the entire roll with me. To accompany me in one of my many darkest moments.

These darkest moments are the only times I shed the tears of pain and agony I hold on to without desire to let go. These darkest moments are when I feel the most human, the most vulnerable and the most honest-with myself. Because I do not shed tears where all can see in fear of my own failure from things I learned as young as the age of six. It is all I can stand but to do it alone without the comforts of anyone else's arms but Gods.

The things I've learned since the age of six? I was told "Never show your sadness to anyone. For YOU are the one to be the strong one for everyone else."