Friday, July 17, 2009

When I'm Alone . . .

When I'm alone at night, when my husband and two children have fallen into a safe sleep. It's the time I cry to myself, curled up in a dark corner of the house. A room far away to my choosing-Knees bent, with my head tucked down feeling my forehead heavily resting on them. My arms wrapped around my folded legs. My fingers intertwined clutching onto a balled and tattered piece of toilet paper that I hurriedly tore off the roll. Knowing later my better bet would have been to take the entire roll with me. To accompany me in one of my many darkest moments.

These darkest moments are the only times I shed the tears of pain and agony I hold on to without desire to let go. These darkest moments are when I feel the most human, the most vulnerable and the most honest-with myself. Because I do not shed tears where all can see in fear of my own failure from things I learned as young as the age of six. It is all I can stand but to do it alone without the comforts of anyone else's arms but Gods.

The things I've learned since the age of six? I was told "Never show your sadness to anyone. For YOU are the one to be the strong one for everyone else."

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